Special Delivery!

I have become waaaaay too familiar with the counter staff at my local post office. Yesterday, I was treated to Tales of the Post Office. And what tales they are...

It all started when I was in line at the PO, waiting my turn to get postage put on a whole stack of stuff. As I stood there, distsracted by my own thoughts, another regular customer asked the post office dude behind the counter if there was a public restroom available.

The answer: no.

But that was all it took to start the stories coming. Because there was a time when there were public potties at the post office (try saying that fast three times...)

Turns out that both folks working the counter yesterday had done time at the downtown branch of the PO here in town.

It's really an interesting building with classic architectural lines -- lookee here:



Cool, huh? Still looks pretty much the same way today.

But its genteel façade is a jarring juxtoposition to the weird shit that often takes place there, from what I heard from the two veterans who escaped its insanity for the relative calm of a quiet neighborhood post office.

Once upon a time, there were bathrooms available for the general public at each branch.

Until it was discovered that a gentleman was using the mens' room at the Downtown branch to empty his colostomy bag.

Yuck.

But that's nowhere close to the most "interesting" happening. (And I use the term "interesting" loosely...)

A woman was standing in line, nonchalant, minding her own business, waiting to conduct her postal transaction.

When all at once she was hit. From behind.

By a dude who ejcaculated all over her back. Then ran out before anyone around realized what had happened.

Ew. Ew. EW.

The security video showed that he had whipped himself out upon entering the building -- and no one noticed until it was way too late.

Ew.

I cannot imagine what that poor woman felt like or subsequently went through. To me, that's akin to being sexually violated, albeit in a very unorthodox fashion.

And I thought I had some interesting stories from the grocery store I patronize: from the time I saw a guy try to shoplift some meat by putting it down his pants to the time I was in line in the express lane behind a guy who matter-of-factly opened up a bottle of rubbing alcohol and took a big swig.

The capacity of human beings for achieving the weird and the peverse never ever ceases to amaze me.

Speaking of weird: my favorite On-the-Road sighting of recent memory was an older gentleman, in a white shirt with epaulettes, with a Captain Kangaroo moustache and a captain's hat, smoking a pipe while putting down the road on his little scooter. You can't make this shit up. Seriously.

Thought of the day: The next time I have a package to send, I'm going FedEx.