So I went to church yesterday. For the first time in a long time.
It was good. I needed it. Although I was anxious as heck while we were en route. People have a funny way of welcoming you back to church -- usually some "glad to see you" cloaked in some "where have you been" with a dose of passive aggressive guilt sprinkled underneath. I was reminded of the words of a very wise person who once told me "Don't let the Christians get in the way of your Christianity." And that helped. But to my pleasant surprise, we were greeting with hugs and handshakes and lots of genuine feelings. I had forgotten how much I missed that.
I had the chance to talk to my wonderful pastor after service and I shared with him a bit of what I'm going through -- this spiritual crisis thingy. I tried not to cry, but that's like asking the president not to be a smarmy self-righteous smart ass. I couldn't help it. I'm going to go and chat with him next week -- I think it will help me tremendously to talk out my feelings and verbalize them with someone who has an idea himself about the complex relationships we humans have with God.
I'm still a bit weepy over this -- it's as if the floodgates of my emotional core have cracked a bit and the tears are seeping out little by little.
But I feel better inside than I have in a while. Which tells me that God's still hanging around me. Thank goodness.