5.18.2009

Yeah. I'm Mad.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, 
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try...


I’ve been a bit out of sorts lately. Internally. My psyche is askew. I'm bruised and battered inside. My reactions visceral.

I’m off plumb. Emotionally tired from my internal struggle.

I’m wrestling with being mad at God.

Because of Will. And his situation.

While parenting a special needs kiddo is the only sort of parenting I know, it ain’t always the easiest thing in the book. It’s tough sometimes to conform my natural standard issue maternal instinct to fit the template of my non-standard issue son.

He’s developmentally delayed. We’re still working on expanding our palette  and potty training and using our words appropriately and focusing when necessary. Our life is one big educational minute. 

And he’s really made tremendous progress. I have to keep reminding myself of that -- for a little boy who’s stood on the precipice of life in the first fortnight of his life, he’s one fantastic miracle. And my greatest blessing.

I just wish something -- anything -- would be easy for him. Wouldn’t be such a struggle or process. That something would come to him quickly and naturally and standardly. He works so hard to achieve every single one of his accomplishments. Is it too much to ask that the kid be given a break? That something just come to him without the lengthy one-step-forward, two-steps-back? 

This just makes my heart ache with heaviness. It's not fair. Not to me. I know I'm beyond biased here. But still.

I’m back to a place I’ve been occasionally in my faith walk -- this being pissed at God -- and it scares me a bit. My God is a big God and me being angry with Him is something He can certainly handle. But that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it. Makes me a little nervous, but it is, as I like to say, what it is.

I'm not running away from church or my faith. Not at all. And I’m not in that place one finds oneself when one is mad at someone and doesn't want to be around that person. I still want to be around Him. Him being God. I just may be a bit of a snot when we're together.

My breaking point came, in, of all places, church. During the sermon last Sunday, which was focusing on the very cool topic of "Hanging with the Almighty," we were camped in Mark 9, talking about how in order to really gain relationship with Christ, you need to come off the mountain and get into the action. Christ encountered a man with a son who was plagued with seizure and convulsions -- in those days, they  viewed that as being possessed by a spirit. Nowadays, it's akin to epilepsy or a seizure disorder.

Which is what Will has.

Christ says, in Mark 9:23, in response to the boy's father, "Everything is possible for him who believes." Fine. I believe. So why are things so hard and scary for my boy?

Despite my questions and anger and pain, my love for and belief in God hasn’t changed -- that’s rock solid. I suppose I'm simply in a bit of a spiritual crisis. And on the good news front -- this emotional mess I'm currently in is only slightly compounded by the residue of my still-lingering guilt over my body having failed Will in the womb. I went through a long period when I carried the burden of guilt about not doing *something* or knowing that *something* was amiss when I was in premature labor. Not there now. Not a lot, anyway. So that's good.

I’m frustrated. And tired. And even a bit melancholy. I just want my baby to have the easiest and smoothest path in life possible. The definition of easy and smooth, however, is not only constantly changing, but seems further and further out of reach. And because of that, I’m pissed. I'm also tired of questions and pseudo-sympathic nods and clucks and being avoided because of Will. Because people just don't know what to say or don't want to say anything at all. We're the family that people only ask after. It hurts. Badly. It's an ugly truth. One that I need to get over as well. This wallowing is not constructive. I know that. But still.

As I hear my boy in the garage right now, helping with the laundry (if you can call lifting the lid to watch things spin around helping) and singing  that “happiness is anyone and anything at all that's loved by you,” I gain some hope and a bit of perspective. I’m still angry, mind you -- this snit I’m in might take some time to work out. I just have to keep focused on the important matters at hand, checking my emotions and yes, my ego, at the door.

Here’s hoping that this too shall pass. Here's to it being sooner rather than later.

Nothing's gonna harm you
Not while I'm around
Nothing's gonna harm you
No sir, not while I'm around...

~ Mr. Sondheim

7 comments:

TopSurf said...

Very valid feelings and very understandable. You go through things on a daily basis that I really have no clue about, but I do know this, I will stand by you, listen to you, and be here for you no matter where you stand or what you feel.

Will is such a miracle and has come so far and a great deal of that has to do with his Mamma.

It is totally understandable for you to be mad, and I think it's great that you are working it out in your mind on your terms. You have to do what is right for you and your feelings.

You have done a fantastic job and if you ever think you aren't, just give me a call, I'll set you straight. ((hugs))

bronsont said...

Janey, you're no different from any parent, you want the very best for your little fella, and the smoothest path through all the hard knocks life has to offer.

You're in the whole "Why do bad things happen to good people" conundrum, and no one faults you for that. Heck, we all fall into that space and we all know that the answer is something we will never understand on this side of the veil. Understanding will come but only when God wills it.

We take one day at a time, love those who count in our lives, and do the best job of parenting that we can. Both you and Will deserve praise for your travails, and you will both be stronger for them. With your love and care I have no doubts he will grow into a wonderful young man, just on his timeline, not ours.

Cat said...

I say a little prayer for you.

On a limb with Claudia said...

I understand this more than you might ever know.

The only thing I'd ask you is this: Does Will believe he's suffering? struggling? My guess is that to him it's just life. And living is worth the cost.

And it's worth it - on so many levels, he's your saint and your cross to bear.

You are a blessing because you make his life better. You are his rock. And a gift to all that know you.

Ruprecht said...

Janey:

I read your every word with a heavy heart for you and yours.

You hit the nail on the head in several lines up there ... but one rang out loud and clear: "Despite my questions and anger and pain, my love for and belief in God hasn’t changed -- that’s rock solid." God knows that and hears you, Janey. I know you know this.

You are special beyond belief, just like Will is, Janey. You know God doesn't put you in a position you can't handle. (There are days when we wonder 'bout that, however - I know.)

You're a rock, girl. And, never having met you face to face, I have to say that's an accomplishment you hold day in and day out. It's not a pride thing, it's a faith thing. And you have faith by the boatload.

Pray, Janey. The best you can. Preferably with others. You'll see light. I know you will. I know you have. Don't give up, don't give in and take time for yourself when you can.

You're loved and thought of and prayed over on this end.

Yours ......... Rupe

BJ Blinston said...

Being in a similar (can't say they are exactly the same) boat. I understand your frustrations. I also know that holding on to your faith is a path that will help. We too struggle at times with our oldest and our fifth child (Autism and Fetal Alcohol). It's not an easy road we have to travel, but it is uniquely ours.

Don't ever be afraid to discuss your emotions. Better that they are expressed than repressed. You are an inspiration to others because you don't give up and you keep trying. That's the secret to life and parenting and you are moving forward even if it looks like you're going backwards.

Remember you have friends who understand and can talk with when you need to.

SusanD said...

(hug)