I’m one of those people who dreams. A lot. Both the day kind and the night kind.
And while I can control the day kind, the night kind is more of a renegade. Those dreams. A different beast. Sometimes silly, sometimes inscrutable, sometimes crazy. Those I can process. Then leave behind, save for recounting the most interesting ones.
It’s the scary dreams I have a hard time leaving behind. Especially the ones with recurring themes.
And I have one in particular that haunts my very soul.
It involves Will. Dying. Young.
The moment I realize what’s happening in my subconscious is a tough one, as I fight like hell to wake up to stop the tragedy from playing out. Sometimes I’m successful. Sometimes not so much.
I had one of these dreams the other night. Days later, I happened to mention it to The Mister in casual conversation.
He got very quiet, then told me he had a similar nightmare. Except it involved us dying, leaving Will alone. Uncared for. Homeless and vulnerable.
Sent a shiver up my spine. Pierced my soul. Careened tears rolling down my cheeks
And while we’re taking steps to prepare for Will’s financial future – a will, a trust, prudent planning – the future in general is daunting and frankly, a little terrifying from this perspective.
We do not know exactly what Will shall be as he matures and grows older. But I am realizing that our less-than-standard issue path is going to continue. And while I privately mourn little things that I once took for granted, I know I need to check all my guilt of the past and my uncertainty of the future at the door for the sake of Will’s present. So that his issues of the past can be handled in order for his future to be as brightly maximized as possible.
It’s not easy.
It makes me pensive.
And more than a little blue.
But it is what it is.
I hate the elephants in the room. Hate them. Wouldn’t wish them on anyone. And it seems addressing them doesn’t make them any more pleasant.
I just need to resign myself to the fact that they’re there. Get prepared to clean up the shit that they drop (and boy, do elephants shit a lot.) And figure out how to carry on. Bravely.
Always for Will.