Thirteen Things I loathe about being sick...
1. The sore throat. Damn, do I hate having a sore throat. Son of gun always hurts like an SOB. I still have my tonsils and have this theory that those bloody things make the throat stuff that much worse. However, once the initial sharp constant uber-annoying pain subsides, I get a husky tone to my voice that’s actually kind of cool. A little drag queen, a little 1-900 number operator.
2. I never ever seem to have tissue in the house. I buy it. I swear. But it disappears into some Kleenex vortex never to be seen again. I think that vortex is next to the black hole where my umbrellas go.
Oh – and in case you were wondering, TP = not a bad replacement. Paper towels = not so much. Ouch.
3. My eyes – watery, heavy-lidded, a little warm. None of which is enhancing to my appearance. Sunglasses are awesome. As are baseball caps. Plus avoiding mirrors. Concealer isn’t worth it. Sneezing and watery eyes take care of that tout de suite.
4. The smell of Vicks Vapo-Rub is nauscious-making. Forget garlic – that stuff should really keep the vampires away. Yes, I want to keep the vampires away. No, I haven’t read those Twilight books, so to me, a vampire is just a vampire. Pffffft.
5. Lack of energy. You know that feeling when even getting up to make some soup seems like a monumental effort. Yeah. I'm in touch with that emotion. How come there’s not a place that delivers “sick” food. That would be a great service. You could just call up and ask for the “Mommy special” and a thermos of chicken noodle soup, a box of saltines, a bottle of Gatorade and the National Enquirer would appear on your doorstep. Yep – the Enquirer. I like to read really trashy magazines when I’m under the weather. Fun fact of the day.
6. Sinus issues. I was born (thanks a lot, Dad) with the world’s worst sinuses. They ache and throb and I swear they swell when I'm sick, giving me the look of Zsa Zsa’s mug shot. SO attractive.
7. Sleep. Let’s talk about sleep. Hopefully, you have one nostril that’s functioning, so you can breathe. If not – then you have to shift to the mouth-breathe. Which isn’t a lot of fun, especially when you wake up and your breath even offends you and your teeth… well, let’s just say that a brush/rinse/repeat is a good idea. Periodically there’s drool. And always a snore. Delightful.
8. I opt not to take cold medicine, as I’m here alone with Will during the week and feeling like something the cat drug in from the alley is better than feeling like the junkie who did drugs in the alley. Need to have some semblance of my faculties about me.
9. The cough. Yay. Fun. Hacking, wheezing. Sometimes it can sound like a sick seal. Sometimes it’s like the lungs of the Marlboro Man have entered your body. For me, the cough is what lingers. And lingers. And lingers. Especially at night. Barrel of laughs – except that laughing makes you cough. Damn vicious circle.
10. Did you know that when you fall asleep with a cough drop in your mouth, it’s still there when you wake up in the morning. That’s freaky and gross all at the same time.
11. No one wants to be around you when you’re sick. Understandable. However, all those well-meaning people with whom you avoid doing face time think nothing of picking up the phone to call you to see how you’re feeling. Interrupting sleep. Invariably. “Oh, did I wake you?" is always the first thing out of the caller’s mouth. No, I always sound like Froggy from The Little Rascals. But thanks for asking.
12. Have you ever noticed how many judges have their own TV show? Seriously -- I'm wondering if there's not a class on "How To Deal With Asshats and Their Complaints in Front of a Camera" being offered for third year law students. Ridiculous. And they're everywhere. All afternoon. Trust me.
13. My taste buds take a holiday. Don’t know if they go on strike or catch a red-eye to Club Med. But I can’t taste anything if my nose is stopped up. Which really, if you think about it, isn’t a bad thing at all…