Thursday Thirteen: The Sequel of the Sequel

Thirteen "Interesting" Things I Have Seen, Done or Experienced Lately

1. The “unmentionables” featured in this week’s installment of Wordless Wednesday. Still not quite over that one. Ew.

2. A refreshingly honest panhandler – his sign said “Why lie – I’m gonna buy beer.” I threw him a couple of bucks just because. Don’t judge me.

3. A dude, riding a vintage motorcycle with a sidecar. And when I say “vintage” I mean there was a little plaque on the sidecar that said “Der Führer rode here.” Playing the role of passenger was a doggie (looked like a lab mix) wearing goggles. Just hanging out. Awesome.

4. The parade of pajama-wearing adults in the morning car line at Will’s school continues. And to think I was worried about my unruly non-conditioned hair causing a scene this morning.

5. An albino hooker, wearing Payless Uggs, getting take-out from the walk-up window at Checkers. Not a tranny hooker, mind you. Just a standard issue one. Apparently everyone needs to take a lunch break now and then.

6. On The Price Is Right a couple of days ago, a dude with the EXACT same name as Mr. Love Letter was told to “ come on down.” Not the same guy, but I’d be lying if I said my blood didn’t run a little cold and my heart skip a beat. Weirdness abounds.

7. Will announced to me just yesterday that “Jane, you’re playing a game you never can win.” I never thought it possible, but perhaps there can be too much classic rock in one’s life. He also told his speech therapist that he “won’t back down.” Oy.

8. Ask not Whatever Happened to Baby Jane – she’s alive and well and shopping at my local grocery. Seriously. There’s a LOL (that stands for Little Old Lady in Janey-Vernacular) who has fashioned herself to look scarily similar to the title character in that gothic camp classic film.

9. This week in Trainwreck Telly: The Real Housewives of New York. It’s like crack – horrible, horrible for you, but I cannot look away. You simple cannot make stuff like this up.

10. A segment on The Wiggles this week featured the gang trying to determine who has the biggest feet.

I’ll just leave it at that.

11. I’ve become a celebrity stalker on Twitter – currently following M.C. Hammer, John Mayer, Gail Simmons, Tom Colicchio (mmmmm) and my favorite, Ashton Kutcher (he is smart and very, very funny – yes, I have a bit of a crush.) I really should be more ashamed of this than I am. Voyeur, thy name is Janey.

12. Current renewed Guilty Pleasure: I’m once again watching Guiding Light, after a two-year hiatus, give or take. Funny how it takes approximately two episodes before one can be completely caught up on happenings. And by the way, Reva is pregnant – post-menopausal pregnant and undergoing-chemotherapy pregnant. Only in Springfield.

13. New addiction: Mafia Wars on Facebook. Yes, I have no life. Damn thing has totally sucked me in. I’d tell you what my name is on there, but then I’d have to kill you – don’t need any more surprise attacks than I’m already getting.

I know you are but what am I...

Ah, the insult.

A good one can make you chuckle as you wince from the blow of the barb.

A bad one can either make you cry at its brutality or shrug at its banality.

My dad forwarded an e-mail to me sent to him from one of his curmudgeon buddies, featuring some sparkling examples of the mighty tongue wielded in witty weaponry.

Thought I'd share. Enjoy.


1) “He had delusions of adequacy.” ~ Walter Kerr

2) “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” ~ Winston Churchill

3) “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”~ Clarence Darrow

4) “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” ~ William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

5) “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” ~ Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

6) “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” ~ Moses Hadas

7) “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” ~ Oscar Wilde

8) “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” ~ Stephen Bishop

9) “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” ~ Paul Keating

10) “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” ~ Robert Redford

11) “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” ~ Oscar Wilde



12) “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” ~ Billy Wilder



13) “I have the gift of the gab.” ~ Tom S.
“Wrap it up then.” ~ Dave B

Thursday Thirteen. Say it fast three times.

Thirteen Things I loathe about being sick...

1. The sore throat. Damn, do I hate having a sore throat. Son of gun always hurts like an SOB. I still have my tonsils and have this theory that those bloody things make the throat stuff that much worse. However, once the initial sharp constant uber-annoying pain subsides, I get a husky tone to my voice that’s actually kind of cool. A little drag queen, a little 1-900 number operator.

2. I never ever seem to have tissue in the house. I buy it. I swear. But it disappears into some Kleenex vortex never to be seen again. I think that vortex is next to the black hole where my umbrellas go.

Oh – and in case you were wondering, TP = not a bad replacement. Paper towels = not so much. Ouch.

3. My eyes – watery, heavy-lidded, a little warm. None of which is enhancing to my appearance. Sunglasses are awesome. As are baseball caps. Plus avoiding mirrors. Concealer isn’t worth it. Sneezing and watery eyes take care of that tout de suite.

4. The smell of Vicks Vapo-Rub is nauscious-making. Forget garlic – that stuff should really keep the vampires away. Yes, I want to keep the vampires away. No, I haven’t read those Twilight books, so to me, a vampire is just a vampire. Pffffft.

5. Lack of energy. You know that feeling when even getting up to make some soup seems like a monumental effort. Yeah. I'm in touch with that emotion. How come there’s not a place that delivers “sick” food. That would be a great service. You could just call up and ask for the “Mommy special” and a thermos of chicken noodle soup, a box of saltines, a bottle of Gatorade and the National Enquirer would appear on your doorstep. Yep – the Enquirer. I like to read really trashy magazines when I’m under the weather. Fun fact of the day.

6. Sinus issues. I was born (thanks a lot, Dad) with the world’s worst sinuses. They ache and throb and I swear they swell when I'm sick, giving me the look of Zsa Zsa’s mug shot. SO attractive.

7. Sleep. Let’s talk about sleep. Hopefully, you have one nostril that’s functioning, so you can breathe. If not – then you have to shift to the mouth-breathe. Which isn’t a lot of fun, especially when you wake up and your breath even offends you and your teeth… well, let’s just say that a brush/rinse/repeat is a good idea. Periodically there’s drool. And always a snore. Delightful.

8. I opt not to take cold medicine, as I’m here alone with Will during the week and feeling like something the cat drug in from the alley is better than feeling like the junkie who did drugs in the alley. Need to have some semblance of my faculties about me.

9. The cough. Yay. Fun. Hacking, wheezing. Sometimes it can sound like a sick seal. Sometimes it’s like the lungs of the Marlboro Man have entered your body. For me, the cough is what lingers. And lingers. And lingers. Especially at night. Barrel of laughs – except that laughing makes you cough. Damn vicious circle.

10. Did you know that when you fall asleep with a cough drop in your mouth, it’s still there when you wake up in the morning. That’s freaky and gross all at the same time.

11. No one wants to be around you when you’re sick. Understandable. However, all those well-meaning people with whom you avoid doing face time think nothing of picking up the phone to call you to see how you’re feeling. Interrupting sleep. Invariably. “Oh, did I wake you?" is always the first thing out of the caller’s mouth. No, I always sound like Froggy from The Little Rascals. But thanks for asking.

12. Have you ever noticed how many judges have their own TV show? Seriously -- I'm wondering if there's not a class on "How To Deal With Asshats and Their Complaints in Front of a Camera" being offered for third year law students. Ridiculous. And they're everywhere. All afternoon. Trust me.

13. My taste buds take a holiday. Don’t know if they go on strike or catch a red-eye to Club Med. But I can’t taste anything if my nose is stopped up. Which really, if you think about it, isn’t a bad thing at all…

Musical Mistletoe for a Thursday Thirteen

'Tis the season for music galore -- here are just a few of my holiday favorites...

Dean Martin (with Shirley Jones!) ~ “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow”


Handel’s Messiah: A Soulful Celebration ~ “Hallelujah Chorus”


Death Cab for Cutie ~ “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”


Aimee Mann and Grant-Lee Phillips ~ “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”


Guster ~ "¿Donde Esta Santa Claus?"


Barenaked Ladies (feat. Sarah McLachlan) ~ “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings”


Eartha Kitt ~ “Santa Baby”


Spinal Tap ~ “Christmas with the Devil”
(C’mon. You know I have NO willpower when it comes to these guys...)


Sufjan Stevens ~ “The Friendly Beasts”


Sixpense None the Richer ~ “Silent Night”


Handel’s Messiah ~ “And the Glory of the Lord”
(Deep down, I'm a classical girl, especially when it comes to this piece)


Ray Charles and Betty Carter ~ “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
(Maybe one of the sexiest songs evah...)


Whitney Houston ~ “Joy to the World”
(Yeah, I know. But I simply love this version of this song)


Bonus!
Clarence Carter ~ “Back Door Santa”

A Tuneful Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen jazz essentials -- essential at least as far as I’m concerned.

These are my faves. Listen. Learn. Enjoy.

“Take Five” -- Dave Brubeck Quartet


“Goodbye Pork Pie Hat” -- Charles Mingus


“A Night in Tunisia” -- Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers


“So What” -- Miles Davis and John Coltrane


“Ko Ko” -- Charlie Parker


“Straight, No Chaser” -- Thelonious Monk Quartet


“’Round Midnight” -- Miles Davis Quintet


“Acknowledgement” (Pt. 1/A Love Supreme) -- John Coltrane


“My Funny Valentine” -- Chet Baker and Stan Getz


“The Girl from Ipanema” -- Stan Getz and Astrud Gilberto


“Caravan” -- Duke Ellington Orchestra


“El Cumbanchero” -- Tito Puente


“My Favorite Things” -- John Coltrane Quartet



This is a bonus clip -- just for fun, but it’s one of my all-time favorites.

“Now You Has Jazz” -- Louis Armstrong and Bing Crosby
(from the film “High Society”, written by Cole Porter)

Yep. Still on My Soapbox for Thursday Thirteen.

Unless you've been living under a rock (and even then, I suspect that you might have heard Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews blathering) you know that Tuesday, November 4th is Election Day.

What are you going to do about it? The answer had better be, "Vote. Duh." But on the slim chance that you are still ambivalent about things, here are...

Thirteen Reasons To Vote!

• To shut up all those "If you don’t vote then you can't complain" people. (And I’m one of those people, in case you hadn’t figured that out.)

• Because if you don’t vote, the terrorists win (unless you were going to vote for the terrorists, in which case they win anyway...)

• You have a hankering to relive taking a test in college when you used the Christmas Tree method of filling in the circles hoping to get some right. (Don’t deny it -- we’ve all been there...)

• You want your voice to be heard by more people than your friends on a night of drinking and BS. (Don’t deny it -- we’ve all been there...)

• You like to stand in line and pretend you're waiting for a Wii or you’re getting tickets to the midnight debut showing of “Twilight”.

• Because it's your right and your privilege. Each prior generation has lived through, suffered through, or participated in a struggle to expand voter rights. Americans have fought against laws barring African American, female, impoverished, and 18 to 20 year old Americans from voting. And even today there are countries where people are still dying for this very privilege we sometimes take for granted.

• You get to sport an "I Voted" sticker after the deed is done. SO stylish and hip.

• To cancel out the vote of that obnoxious neighbor/co-worker/relative who won’t shut up about his/her preference and constantly sends you e-mail propaganda with their viewpoint. We all have at least one person like this in our sphere of existence... I have several, actually. Lucky me.

• Guess what? Our government was designed for citizen participation -- so if you don't vote, other people are going to make the decisions for you. And if you’re anything like me, you HATE to have decisions made for you.

• It's your tax money, job, health care, education, environment and so much more at stake. Elected representatives make choices that directly affect each and every one of us. Your vote can go to ensure that the person who best represents your perspective is the one making those decisions.

• Every vote counts. This was never made more clear than during the 2000 Presidential election. I’m from Florida -- I lived through that nightmare transpiring in my own backyard. It wasn’t fun.

• You want to finally find out what the hell the electoral college is.

• Because this is the most important election of our lifetime. Period. No question.

A Thursday Thirteen Special Report: Chaos! In the Choir Room

(Kinda like Panic! at the Disco -- only less emo and more Elmo.)

I have the great honor and pleasure of directing the four-and-five year-old choir at my church. Most exhausting but greatest 45 minutes of my week. Love my little Choir Urchins as if they were my own -- those sticky hugs and high-fives they give me are golden and always cure what’s ailing me.

And it’s totally true what they say about “out of the mouths of babes.” What my Urchins say never fails to amuse me. So in the spirit of kids saying the darndest things, I give you 13 comments overheard at last night’s choir practice.

1. “Miss Jane, I have to go potty. NOW!”

2. “I’m tired. It was a long day at school.” *SIGH*
Yep, it’s tough out there in the preschool world.

3.“My sister’s birthday is in two days!”

4. “Miss Jane, do you like chicken noodle soup?”

5. “I’m Darth Vader!”

6. “Wanna see my tattoos?” (temporary ones of what appeared to be Transformers on his forearms. It was hard to tell because they were both missing their heads for some reason.)

7.“Can I do a cartwheel?”

8.“Miss Jane, how do you spell octupus?”

9.“I don’t like this song. I’m not gonna sing it.”

10. The Star Wars Darth Vader theme, hummed while we were playing rhythm sticks. That, natch, came from Lord Vader himself, (see #5) a towheaded bundle of boy energy.

11. “My dog eats his own poop.”

12. “Can we sing ‘Jingle Bells’?”

13. “I love you, Miss Jane.”

Me too, sweetie. Me too.


PS: This little quiz is a rewind for me. But it still seems appropriate somehow. Boo-yah!

13

Today's Special: A Heaping Plate of Thursday Thirteen

I love to cook. Plain and simple. And amongst my overflowing cookbook shelves, these thirteen texts are the ones I am particularly partial to. At least at the moment.

Thirteen of My Favorite Cookbooks

The Ultimate Southern Living Cookbook
You cannot go wrong in the world of Southern cooking with anything from the Southern Living family. Period.

The French Chef Cookbook
The second cookbook I ever owned -- a Christmas gift for me when I was 13. The French Onion Soup recipe is one that I've been preparing literally for 30 years. (Oh good lord, that's a damn long time. Oy.)

The Lady and Sons Savannah Country Cookbook
Say what you will about Miss Paula -- her recipes for barbecue sauce and beer biscuits cannot be beat and are amongst the most requested by the loved ones I often cook for.

The New Basics Cookbook
A “basics” cookbook from the creative minds behind the Silver Palette: Julee Rosso and Sheila Lukins. A terrific reference for just about anything. Sure -- it might be a little dated (it did, after all, come out in the late ‘80s) but it still holds a prominent dog-eared spot on my cookbook rack.

The Gasparilla Cookbook
A classic. Published by the Junior League of Tampa, it melds the different flavors of my community perfectly. The Arroz con Pollo recipe is my personal comfort food favorite.

Roasting: A Simple Art
Great instruction on perfecting the most simple and satisfying of cooking techniques. Don't be put off by the high temperature that's recommended -- trust me, it's worth it.

Memories of a Cuban Kitchen
I am Cuban by osmosis and this is a wonderful handbook for Cuban comfort food. Fantastic.

Marcella Hazan’s Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking
The quintessential primer on quality Italian fare. The osso buco recipe is perfection.

Rick Bayless’ Mexican Kitchen
A new favorite. I took a Mexican cooking “class” as an excursion on our New Year’s cruise -- not too challenging technically, but it whet my appetite to learn more about authentic Mexican food and what makes it tick, so to speak. I’ll keep you posted on my progress with this book.

Smith and Hawken’s Gardener’s Community Cookbook
The perfect guide to help you prepare nature’s bounty. Fresh and flavorful and inspiring, even to a self-proclaimed “black thumb” as myself.

A Little Something
My go-to for quick and easy appetizers and nibbles for entertaining.

The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook
Gorgeous book, great recipes. The Maple Oatmeal Scones are totally delish (and if I, a non-baker, can handle them, you know the recipe’s good.)

Molly Stevens’ All About Braising
My most recent acquisition. I love the succulence of braised meat and as soon as the weather gets a little bit cooler, I'll be diving into this one.

Wishful Thinking on a Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I Wish I Had the Ability to Do...

1. Shoot pool
Man, I would be such the badass pool playing chick. Swiggin’ on a longneck. Swearing like a sailor. Lining up the stick and knockin’ those balls in the holes. However, I have no idea how to even hold a pool cue, much less play the damn game. Perhaps in my next life...

2. Raise one eyebrow only
If anyone on earth needed to have this talent, it’s me. Skepticism, slyness, sassiness -- it works with all of them. Me -- no can do. Although I try mightily -- to very scary effect. It’s not pretty.

3. Play music by ear
I can read music -- I just don’t have the ability to hear something and then play it. Not sure what I would do with this one, but it would be nice to have. To whip out at cocktail parties and such...

4. Drive a stick shift
Have absolutely NO idea how to do this. I have a semi-recurring nightmare in which the group of people I’m with are in some sort of predicament and the only way to get us out of said predicament by car and I’m the only one able to drive... and the car is a manual transmission.
Yikes!

5. Chop like a professional chef
I’m a pretty fair cook. Not bad, actually. But my knife skills... ai yi yi. A gorilla might have more finesse. I get the job done, but only after much effort. It’s no wonder I am one with my mini-chop.

6. Deal with numbers
The financial kind of numbers. I don’t like them. They don’t like me. It’s a hate/hate relationship. I could regale you with stories of my financial escapades that would (and have) made accountants weep and shudder. When I was a swinging bachelorette, I decided that the best way for me to make sure I was always at least slightly financially solvent was to round up every transaction I entered in my checkbook. Write a check for $23.27. Enter into the check ledger as $24.00. (Yes, I realize I never had ANY idea how much money I actually had. But it worked for me.) Cut to me being a newlywed with a joint account... I go to close my bachelorette account. And discover that I have nearly $2000 in it that I didn’t know existed. All you financial types can stop shuddering now...

7. Dive
Can’t do it. Dive into a pool, that is. Gotta gracefully slide in from the side or descend like Norma Desmond down the main pool steps. I don’t know if it’s a coordination issue or my bad sinuses that hurt like hell when I position my head in such a way under water or what. I *barely* learned how to do this, after hours of tutelage from my dad at the tennis club pool, in order to pass my water safety instructor course in high school. Couldn’t dive in now if I tried. So please don’t ask.

8. Tap dance
I am convinced that if I had taken dance lessons as a child, I would be a stah on Broadway today. Sadly -- and obviously -- that is not the case. I did take a tap class as an adult when I was in my early 20s. Great fun --- even though I was the youngest student by several decades. Let’s put it this way: all of the other ladies in the class could tell you exactly where they were when Glenn Miller’s plane went down. Anyhoo... the class was wonderful. But aside from a very halting step-ball-change, I got nothing in the way of tap skillz.

9. Make a decent pie crust
You know that cooking thing? Doesn’t translate to a baking thing as far as I’m concerned. I suck at making pie crust. Suck. Suck. Suck. I’m actually not bad with the yeast-based baked goods -- but delicate things like pie crust. Big disasters. Thank goodness for Pillsbury's pie crust dough, found in the refrigerator section of your grocery store. Saved my tuchus more time than I can count.

10. Change a tire
This right here is the main reason for my AAA membership. Worth every dime.

11. Give myself a decent pedicure
Why oh why do I find it impossible to NOT get any polish on my toes when I attempt this. Again, it looks like a gorilla grabbed my bottle of Lincoln Park After Dark and went to town on my tootsies. I spend more time peeling polish of my skin than I do painting the damn nails themselves. Ugh.

12. Understand sporting nuances
Can you tell a slide ball from a curve ball as it comes flying off the pitcher’s mound? How about reading a defensive set-up in football? I can’t -- and it pisses me off. I wish to goodness I could see and understand all those subtle things about the sports I love. I was at a baseball game earlier this summer, sitting in front of a friend of mine -- who identified and commented on every pitch that crossed the plate. I thought I was good being able to call a ball or a strike... HA!

13. Not kill anything and everything I try to grow
Just call me Black Thumb, Well-Meaning Killer of Plants. Some people have the touch -- actually, I guess I do have the touch. The Touch of Death. Plants wilt away from me when they sense my presence at the nursery. I’ve killed enough basic to make pesto for a year for the city of Florence. And now I think I want to try and grow tomatoes... HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah. I’ll keep you posted.

It's Tune Time Again on Thursday Thirteen

As you probably have guessed if you've checked out this blog before, even briefly -- music is a HUGE part of my life and who I am. And this has been passed on to my darling Will. He's either singing or listening to music or talking about music. And he's growing up listening to what we adults to around here. For better or for worse. That's not to say that we don't have our share of kiddo music, either -- I could probably go on tour with the Wiggles with little to no rehearsal needed. But Will likes to groove to what we're grooving to --and it's funny what songs he's shown a preference for.

So with that I give you my TT of the week....

Thirteen Slightly Unusual Songs in Will's Personal Jukebox



“ I Am Your Tambourine” ~ Tift Merritt
Will calls this one “Shake it with your Wuvvvvv”. Close enough. Big dance favorite.


“Yellow Submarine” ~ The Beatles
This is sung a lot, most often in the bathtub where we play with, you guessed it, a toy yellow submarine. That Santa sure does have a sense of humor, as this appeared in Will’s stocking last Christmas. Hmmm...



“Start Me Up” ~ The Rolling Stones
Yeah. I know. Thank goodness he usually only sings the “You can start me up part.” I hold my breath when we get to the chorus, though....


“Boss of Me” ~ They Might Be Giants
This one makes an appearance when he's pissed off. Usually at me. He’s so cute when he’s protesting. Still hasn’t figured out that yes, Mommy is indeed the boss of him. All the time. Silly boy.



“I Won’t Back Down” ~ Tom Petty
Most famously sung while walking into his kindergarten class last year. Yeah. That bodes well for a productive day of learning, don’t you think...



“Livin’ on a Prayer” ~ Bon Jovi
Best part of this song is Will imitating the talk box part at the beginning. Although him breaking out into an opera-esque falsetto like Jon is also pretty much a riot.



“Slit Skirts” ~ Pete Townshend
My boy thinks that Pete is saying “need pants” when he sings about “knee pants” and so this one gets whipped out whenever Will believes it’s time for a clothing change. “Need pants. Will needs new some pants..”



“Crazy Train” ~ Ozzy Osbourne
Best known at Casa de Jane as the ringtone on my cell for my parents'. Will sings along every time the phone rings and it's my mom...



“Roxanne” ~ The Police
One of the earliest Inappropriate Songs learned by Mr. Will, so he could serenade our late kitty-witty, Miss Roxanne. *sniff*



“Closer to Fine” ~ Indigo Girls
Because every self-respecting kiddo needs to have some crunchy chick rock in his repertoire. We’re working on the harmonizing part. I’ll keep you posted.



“Dyslexic Heart” ~ Paul Westerberg
You’ve never heard this song done right until you’ve heard it performed by a dude with a little lisp -- “I’ve got a dyswexic heart...”

PS: Paul Westerberg. SO hot and adorable in this video. Pardon me for a minute...



“Bad Medicine” ~ Bon Jovi
Yep, the boys from Jersey make their second appearance on the list. This one is referenced twice daily -- always sung right before Will gets his dosage of anti-convulsant medication. To hell with a spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down...



“Hallelujah Chorus” ~ Handel’s Messiah
I’m singing in the Christmas choir at church and have been doing some practicing at home. This piece is one that has always meant a great deal to me-- and Will has picked up on that, breaking into the “Hallelujah” part at any given moment. Which includes his classroom the other day.
Makes my heart sing with joy -- and please note that my heart is singing the alto part with joy...

Thursday Thirteen. Hey, at least I tried...

For your amusement (hopefully): thirteen things I did instead of coming up with a decent and clever Thursday Thirteen list this week.

* Had a conversation with the bag boy in the grocery store about baseball, specifically the RAYS!

* Spent a morning at the salon to have a big purple highlighted chunk put in my hair.

*Tried to break my #*&)(*#% cell phone.

HATE that thing. Seriously. P.O.S. It’s never really worked right since I received it as a birthday present (which is a whole other story in itself.) I finally thought it was going to give up the ghost last weekend when the touchpad part stopped working. However, as I was literally pulling into the cell phone store, I checked it one more time. The S.O.B. was working just fine. All of a sudden. And I couldn’t justify getting a new one. Grrrrrr. So now I’m working on “accidentally” dropping it in the toilet. Or running it over with the car. I’ll keep you posted.

*Chatted with an aging hippy in the post office parking lot about the Convention this week. He saw my Obama sticker on the back of my car and immediately wanted to conversate about the election and Hillary and Michelle and wasn’t she great and Teddy and his swan song and how it’s been the greatest convention he's seen in a long time and thank goodness we have a great candidate and... Wouldn’t be surprised if the dude rubbed elbows with Dan Rather in Chicago in ‘68 -- that’s how fired up he was.

*Plurked. And plurked. Then plurked some more. If you are there, you know what I mean. * Addictive. And so much fun. It’s got to be a gateway drug to something -- I’m just not sure what.

* Discussed politics, football, baseball and family gossip with my dad on the phone. For an hour. He calls me on either his morning/afternoon commute. It’s a riot, as I am now to the point in my life, and he in his, where we just sort of let things like profanity fly and it’s OK. Apparently my grandma (Daddy’s mother) had a mouth like a sailor, so I come by it honestly.

* Did three loads of laundry. Whoopee. Don’t have to go out and buy new underwear. Hooray.

* Worked on getting stuff ready for my kiddo choir (4 & 5 year olds), which starts up again next week. And guess whose registration form was on the top of the pile that I picked on at church on Sunday... Conrad’s! Conrad (not his real name) is the darling (and I use that term with tongue implanted in cheek) child who has been known to wield rhythm sticks as weapons and goose Miss Jane during game time.

* Finished my contest essay on the topic of “What was the most important day in your life?” Whew. It’s not bad. And I wish I could share it here with y’all -- but there are rules about publication and I don’t want to tempt fate. But as soon as I can, I’ll throw it up here.

* Read the current issue of “Rolling Stone” -- actually, just the article on the 10th anniversary of “The Big Lebowski.” The Dude. Still abiding. And now I want a White Russian...

* Hung out with Will. We played on the keyboard; played cars; watched the Game Show Network; had a splash fight during bath time. Awesome.

* Downloaded torrents of the three most recent episodes of “Weeds.” Damn, does that show make me laugh. Kevin Nealon (“El Doug”) and Justin Kirk (“El Andy”) kill me.

* Laid out plans for my new sports blog project. I’m really excited about this... if I can figure out a way to implement everything I’m kicking around -- or at least half of my ideas -- it’s going to be something I can be proud of. And have fun with.

So there you are. See, I haven’t been slacking off. Really. Kinda. Maybe.

The Name is Thursday. Thursday Thirteen.

Thanks to Slender Octopus for the great theme idea this week.

Let's play the Name Game, y'all!

1. Rock Star Name
(first pet; current car)
Cat Pilot

2. Gangster Name
(favorite ice cream flavor; favorite style of shoe)
Pistachio Stiletto

3. Native American Name
(favorite color; favorite animal)
Purple Otter

4. Soap Opera Name
(middle name; place of birth)
Elizabeth St. Anthony

5. Star Wars Name
(first 3 letters of second name; first two of first name)
Johja

6. Superhero Name
(2nd favorite color; favorite drink)
Cobalt Vodka

7. NASCAR Name
(first names of grandfathers)
Clarence Atley

8. Exotic Dancer Name
(favorite perfume/scent; favorite "candy")
Musk Caramel

9. Newscaster name
(Fifth grade teacher’s last name; major city beginning with same letter)
Duffy Dubuque

10. Spy name
(favorite flower; favorite season/holiday)
Tulip Autumn

11. Cartoon name
(favorite fruit; article of clothing you are wearing now)
Grape Flip Flop

12. Hippie Name
(what you ate for breakfast; favorite tree)
Muffin Cypress

13. Movie Star Name
(first pet’s name; first street where you lived)
Hamlet Locust

And it wouldn't be a CJ post without a musical offering...

And in the center ring... it's Thursday Thirteen

Step right up, y'all and take a look at today's featured attraction. Little known facts will be shared... some interesting, some shocking, some downright embarrassing.

So grab some cotton candy, put down your sparklers and be prepared to be dazzled with the brilliance that is... ME!

(Stop laughing and enjoy, 'kay...)

1. I’m a second generation native Floridian on both the maternal and paternal sides. Yes, we do exist. I’m proud of my state, weird as it may be, and as much as I bitch and moan about the heat and lack of seasons, I cannot imagine living anywhere else. (I’m also a third generation graduate of the University of Florida...GO GATORS!!!)

2. I hate snakes. Snakes are the debil -- just read Genesis and the story of Adam and Eve in case you had any doubts. Can’t even stand to see them on TV, much less in person. Needless to say, I don’t watch a lot of Animal Planet. Will sings a little song about picking up baby bumblebees/puppy dogs/kitty cats/etc. His favorite verse is about the baby rattlesnake, which he sings over and over, complete with the Ssssssss sound effects. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor...

3. I’m not a big fan of chocolate. I don’t dislike it, but I also don’t go out of my way to find it -- no chocoholic tendencies here. Now, caramel and/or pralines are a complete other story... a praline from Aunt Sally’s in New Orleans is a little bit of heaven as far as I’m concerned.

4. I can’t drive a stick shift. I have a recurring nightmare in which there’s some sort of emergency and I’m the only one who can drive to safety and the only vehicle available is a stick. I also have a recurring nightmare about trying to drop a class in college before the drop period ends and not being able to find the administration building. Thank goodness the two scenarios have never collided into one Super Nightmare. Yet.

5. I have never seen one single episode of Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’m the only person I know who can make this claim, by the way.

6. I didn’t see snow in earnest until I was 35 years old. (See fun fact #1 for a logical explanation of this.) I’d seen the fake stuff on some ski excursions to NC in my youth and there are photos of me as a toddler, posing with my parents next to a patch of snow in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. But see drifts and drifts of the powdery stuff -- not until just a few years ago. I did it right, though -- in Park City, Utah. That was totally some serious snow. And I loved it. Although I quickly discovered that I’m better at apres ski then actual skiing. One day of lessons. It wasn’t pretty.

7. I would rather speak in front of a group of 100+ people than go to a cocktail party where I know only one or two people. Public speaking = love and thrive. Small talk = terrifying and paralyzing. I have been known to decline invitations to great parties because of this. Help...

8. My happy place is my kitchen. I love to cook and read about cooking and think about cooking. My home library has well over 100 cookbooks. I would never want to be a professional chef or caterer, though. I’m content being a fairly proficient home cook, thank you very much. Although I do wish my knife skills were better...

9. I’ve never broken a bone, never had the chicken pox or other such afflictions and still have my tonsils. Quite the medical marvel, aren’t I?

10. I’ve not seem my natural hair color in 15 years. Underneath the colorworks on my lovely locks, I’m probably 60-75 percent grey. Yep. Premature greying runs in the family -- just not ready to go there yet.

11. I almost failed kindergarten because I couldn’t tie my shoes. Seriously.

12. I took piano lessons for 10 years. You’d never know it now, because I didn’t keep up with it, but for a while there, I was pretty darn mediocre. My double-jointed pinky was a real issue, as it kinked up after playing for longer than 20 minutes. However, I can still read music pretty well and can plunk out a tune one-handed, which comes in handy with the Choir Urchins (sidebar fun fact: I direct the 4 & 5 year old choir at my church. Most challenging -- and rewarding -- 45 minutes of my week. Just you wait for the stories...)

13. I won money betting on sporting events -- when I was in middle school. Used to throw my lunch coin into the ring with the boys for the World Series and Super Bowl pools. Did OK with the baseball -- GO REDS! -- but got creamed when it came to football. Stupid Vikings. Damn Raiders. Haven’t bet on sports since.

But I am thinking about doing the Fantasy Football thing, if I can find some cohorts in crime who are interested... hint!

Oooh! Is that Cheez Whiz? It's time for the Thursday Thirteen

Short is the joy that guilty pleasure brings.
~ Euripides

Hey Euripides -- bite me.

'Tain't nothing short about the joy that my TT Guilty Pleasures bring me. I revel in every single bit of tacky, glorious bliss these things hold.

PS: No fair judging me. I know y'all have similar lists bouncing around somewhere... yup.

1. The Monkees


2. Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies

3. "The Steve Harvey Show"

4. Nutella

5. Wild berry wine coolers

6. The collected works of Jackie Collins

7. America’s Next Top Model

8. Anything featuring processed cheese/cheez/Velveeta

9. The Love Boat

10. Doris Day comedies of the late ‘50s/early ‘60s
(see: “Pillow Talk”; “The Thrill of it All”; “Lover Come Back”)

11. Chick-fi-A french fries dipped in a mayo/ketchup combo

12. Anthony Bourdain

13. The Olympics

Got guilty pleasures? Spill 'em. You'll feel better -- promise. Just let me go get a wine cooler to sip while I read your list...

BONUS! Another Monkees tune... shut. up.

What Happens in the Thursday Thirteen, Stays in the Thursday Thirteen

The trip I’ve been marking the days until is finally here. Las Vegas. Viva, baby. Viva.

This is strictly an R&R trip for just me, myself and I. Will and the mister will have some father/son time while Mama regains some of her sanity. Going to hang out with friends, get a little culture and experience the wonderland that is Vegas.

So in the spirit of Liberace, Siegfried, Roy, Francis Albert and the rest of the Rats, Wayne, Sir Tom and Lola Falana, here’s my Thursday Thirteen: Vegas Style

1. These shoes are the centerpiece of my trip wardrobe:
2. I’ve downloaded the first six episodes of this season of Weeds onto my iPod for viewing on the plane. Gotta love technology.

3. The overnight bartender’s name at the hotel where we’re staying is Larry. Good to be on a first name basis with the dude who’s mixing your drinks. Don’t ask me how I know this.

4. Everything, with one exception, that I’m bringing with wardrobe wise, is black. Shocking.

5. Going to see two shows: Morris Day & The Time and The Regeneration Tour, which features a whole mess of ‘80s artists like Belinda Carlisle, Human League, ABC and A Flock of Seagulls.

6. Gonna get to meet some on-line Plurk pals (cajunvegan and perpstu and butterflylitgirl) and enjoy a cocktail or four together. Cannot wait.

7. I get a whole king-size bed and bathroom to myself. Don’t have to share with anyone. Pinch me, I’m dreaming.

8. Have reservations at two celeb chef eateries: Bobby Flay’s Mesa Grill and Tom Colicchio’s Craftsteak. No Nutri-Meals served at these joint, dontcha know.

9. The average temperature in my hotel room will be approximately 62 degrees. Bliss.

10. The average temperature outside my hotel will be approximately 105 degrees. Ick.

11. I get to spend the whole weekend with my BFF Sprezzatura. You’ve all been warned -- we’re dangerous together. But in a very cute, wickedly smart and sassy way.

12. I may or may not get up enough nerve (aka drunk) to sit down at a real poker table. We shall see.

13. I may or may not get up enough nerve (aka drunk) to go to a strip joint. We shall see.

Note: the chances of #13 happening are actually greater than #12.

So I’ll see y’all later. Probably poorer. Likely hungover. Definitely happy.

PS: Here's my song for the weekend...

And Now, Our Feature Presentation... Thursday Thirteen!

In keeping with my penchant for pop culture, today's Thursday Thirteen features a baker's dozen of my favorite movie quotes. Some are probably familiar; there may be a handful that aren't quite as well-known. The one thing they have in common is that I have whipped them out and dropped them into conversation more times than I can count.

So settle back into your reclining theater seat, take a hit off that ginormous soda you got roped into buying at the concession stand and take a trip though my cinematic history.

PS: the quotes are in chronological order. Asking me to pick a favorite is like asking the paparazzi to choose between Madge/A Rod/Guy and Sienna Miller making out with Balthazar Getty. Can't be done.

No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.
~ Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) in Gone with the Wind (1939)

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
~ The Wizard of Oz (Frank Morgan) in The Wizard of Oz (1939)

You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.
~ Marie (Lauren Bacall) in To Have and Have Not (1944)

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.
~ Mame (Rosalind Russell) in Auntie Mame (1958)

I've had hangovers before, but this time, even my hair hurts.
~ Brad Allen (Rock Hudson) in Pillow Talk (1959)

Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?
~ Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) in The Graduate (1967)

I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!
~ Franz Liebkind (Kenneth Mars) in The Producers (1967)

The horror... the horror...
~ Colonel Kurtz (Marlon Brando) in Apocalypse Now (1979)

So I got that going for me, which is nice.
~ Carl Spackler (Bill Murray) in Caddyshack (1980)

It's such a fine line between stupid and clever.
~ David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean) in This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.
~ Annelle (Daryl Hannah) in Steel Magnolias (1989)

Wow, you've turned into a right sexy wee bastard. Do you know that?
~ May Mackenzie (Brenda Fricker) in So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?... They call it a Royale with cheese.
— Vincent Vega (John Travolta) in Pulp Fiction (1994)

Thursday Thirteen Telly Time!

I love television. Always have. Always will.

In that spirit, here are thirteen of my favorite TV theme songs of all time, in no particular order. Feel free to sing along -- I am, dontcha know.


1. The Dick Van Dyke Show
My favorite show probably of all time. Period. I still want to be Sally Rogers.


2. Gilligan’s Island
My guiltiest pleasure. C’mon -- admit it. You know all the words to the theme song just like I do.


3. The Addams Family
Will’s favorite on this list, thanks to it being part of a current M&Ms commercial.


4. The Jeffersons
A must-request for me at any piano bar singalong place I go to. Trivia: the theme is sung by J’anet DuBois, better known as Willona from “Good Times.”


5. Sanford and Son
Maybe the greatest sitcom theme ever. Written and performed by the inimitable Quincy Jones.


6. The Rockford Files
A bad-ass theme for a bad-ass show. And add James Garner to the “damn, he’s hot list.” Whoa.


7. The Flintstones
A classic from my childhood. I’ll still stop and watch this damn thing if I catch it while channel surfing.


8. The Lucy Show
A staple of after-school TV watching. Adore this almost as much as “I Love Lucy”, thanks to Gale Gordon’s performance as Mr. Mooney.


9. The Monkees
True confession: I was in love with Peter. Y’all can have Davy.


10. Ellery Queen
My favorite drama as a kid. This show had waaaay too short a telly run -- smart and engaging and who doesn’t love a show set in ‘40s NYC. Someone PLEASE put this on DVD. Now.


11. Hawaii Five O
It doesn’t get much better than this. Am doing the hula hip shake as we speak.


12. Green Acres
My favorite of the crazy surreal CBS sitcoms of the late ‘60s. It still holds up well -- and who can resist Eva Gabor. Seriously.


13. Mad Men
In honor of all its Emmy nominations today. Best show, along with “30 Rock” on television right now, as far as I’m concerned. The new season starts July 27th on AMC. Mark your calendars.

Thursday Thirteen II: Tunage Tomfoolery

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons. You will find it is to the soul what a water bath is to the body.
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Here are thirteen tunes just right for a refreshing music bath. They're all faves of mine -- and there's a good chance you might discover something new amidst the song bubbles:

“Love in the Year 3000” -- B-52s

“Anyone Who Had a Heart” -- Shelby Lynne

“More Than a Friend” -- All Too Much

“Apologies” -- Dropping Daylight

“Shooting Star” -- Adrianne

“I Am Your Tambourine” -- Tift Merritt

“Sol y Sombra” -- The Cat Empire

“Energy” -- The Apples in Stereo

“Last Good Day of the Year” -- Cousteau

“Untouchable” -- Glenn Tilbrook

“Look Out Sunshine” -- The Fratellis

“Let’s Dance to Joy Division” -- The Wombats

“Stop Drop and Roll!” -- Foxboro Hot Tubs

Thursday Thirteen I: Domestic Confessions

My Plurk pals cajunvegan and perpstu and fandpinlv inspired me to play with the Thursday Thirteen gang. Here's my inaugural offering.

Don't judge me.

Thirteen Dirty Domestic Diva Secrets

1. I am, at heart, and most everywhere else, a slob. Always have been, always will be.

2. I often forget there’s laundry in the dryer and must run air fluff to get out the wrinkles numerous times.

3. I have hurt myself cleaning the bathroom. Seriously.
Click to read my sad tale...

4. I am, at heart, and most everywhere else, a pack rat. My motto: I might need that sometime... the people at eBay send out a search party if I go a day without a visit. Yet I don't like garage/yard sales... weird.

5. I have the man-like ability to walk right by a full trash can and not think about doing anything about it. It’s a gift, I tell you.

6. I have gone and bought new underwear rather than doing laundry.

7. I have killed more herbs in the name of growing them myself than I can count. I’ve seen basil plants commit suicide when they see me coming, just to end things quickly and less painfully.

8. Will famously listens to and consequently sings terribly inappropriate songs -- on pitch, thank you very much. Current favorite song: Pete Townshend's "Slit Skirts." Told you.

9. I rarely, if ever, completely make my bed. It’s my favorite place to read/watch the telly/do my nails/take a nap/talk on the phone. If my WiFi ever reached through my thick plaster walls to the bedroom, I would never leave. I’d have to hire someone to come in and turn me so I wouldn’t get bedsores. Seriously.

10. I have worn bathing suit bottoms when I have run out of clean underwear. Not recently, mind you -- in college. But still.

11. Cereal for dinner? Great! Cap’n Crunch cereal for dinner? Even better!

12. Will’s favorite TV channels: Disney and Game Show Network. “Oooh -- it’s time for Card Sharks!”

13. The only reason I haven't lost this list is because it's saved in cyberspace. If it were a hard copy, then chances are I'd be frantically looking for it right now.


If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."
~ Phyllis Diller