80 Proof. Locked and Loaded.

We here south of the Mason-Dixon line have a whole mess of very colorful and, for lack of a better word, weird, expressions for just about any occasion.

“Drunker than Cooter Brown” is one of them – it’s used to describe a serious state of drunken befuddlement and stupefaction. Yee-haw!

(And don't play innocent with me -- you know exactly what I'm talking about here, whether you're from the South or not. Pffffft. I'm not just whistling Dixie, you know...)

So, given all that preamble,  you may be asking -- who in the hell is Cooter Brown?

Frankly, I had no idea myself, even though I’d heard my kin use this expression since I was a wee lass. After some digging, here’s what I discovered:

Whistlin' Dixie: A Dictionary of Southern Expressions by Robert Hendrickson
DRUNK AS COOTER BROWN - adj. phrase. Also "drunk as Cooter, ~ Cooty Brown. Chiefly South. Very intoxicated.

And from 
The Dictionary of American Regional English, Volume 1 by Frederic G. Cassidy 
"This is an African American expression very familiar to the informant, who is from New Jersey. She says it is current and, so far as she knows, it 'came up with the African Americans from the Carolinas.' She thinks it probably derives from some proverbial drunkard."

OK – that works. I could go into the whole thing about a cooter being slang for a turtle, but that would lead me to places that aren’t really germane to the discussion at hand. See: exhibit A and exhibit B.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

HA! What did you think I was talking about... 

And now you may ask yourself (apropos of nothing, when in the hell did I morph into David Byrne… seriously) what does all of this have to do with anything?

I’ll tell you. Calm down.

After a raucous afternoon spent reading 
this site, I decided that (a) I’m very glad that texting was not around when I was young and drunk and stupid and (b) I have a hell of a lot of Drunk Girl stories. A hell of a lot. That may need to be told. Along with the Drunk Girl stories of my friends.

And thus my NEW! FRESH! TIPSY! ongoing blog feature 
Drunker Than Cooter Brown: Tales of a Wanton She-nebriate was born.

So – what is a Wanton She-nebriate… here are a few deal-makers that have been shared with me by a “friend”

- Dancing with your arms above your head whether there’s music playing or not.

- Dancing on chairs. Tables. Bars. In other words, any surface other than the floor.

- Losing what grace and polish you have and becoming clumsy – which is charming. 

Until it’s not.

- When EVERYONE in the bar is your friend. Everyone.

- “WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” Enough said.

- Tears. Over anything and everything. (note: this usually happens towards the end of a evening.)


- The tendency to make out with random dudes. Just because they’re there. And so are you.

- The tendency to flash one’s assets. Even without the cliché of beads being offered.

Did I forget anything? Or rather, did my “friend” forget to share anything noteworthy with me? Yeah. That’s it. Let me know in the comments – if there are enough, I’ll throw together a Part Deux.

Oh – one more thing. The tales I will be telling (mostly) took place in a land far far away and a loooooong time ago. When I was young and foolish and could stay up later than 11 pm – and when a night out didn’t take three days of recovery time. Just so you know.

Listen my children and you shall hear
The tales of a girlie who loved her beer

Through the ‘80s and ‘90s oh how she thrived
Capers and antics she did survive
Spreading her special brand of joy and cheer…

Stay tuned.


TopSurf said...

You have no idea how much I needed this laugh today. THANK YOU.

TexasRed said...

Umm... other stories that involve:

- "forcing" the DJ to play a completely different kind of music just for you and your friends?

- the girl who is having a breakdown in the girls bathroom by the end of the night?

- loading 47 people into the same cab or designated driver's car at the end of the evening?

Ruprecht said...

Ruprecht has been a "Wanton She-nebriate" in his past years.

Gender notwithstanding.

Rupe looks mightily forward to the tales that will be told .....

Kelly said...

Well, missy, at least you didn't do these silly things in college. I was there and I know you and I were...studying... every weekend night, and of course on Thursdays when those heathen sisters were out dancing and drinking with frat boys. Oh, yeah, I remember. Thank goodness we were there before cell phone cameras :)

perpstu said...

HI-LAR-IOUS! When you mentioned writing this I knew it would be funny, but you have exceeded my wildest expectations! ROFL!