I’m angry at this moment... at God.

I just don’t understand why this has to happen to MY boy. Who never ever did anything to deserve this. Whose entire existence, since the very moment he came into this world, has been plagued with issues of the health variety. C’mon – he nearly died at only two weeks old because of his precarious health. I know that this sort of thing is all he knows. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Big fucking time.

I found myself, just moments ago, with tears running down my face and catches in my throat. Bargaining with God. Give me the seizures and the pain – take them from Will and give them to me. When one’s heart walks around outside one’s body, one does and says whatever she can to protect that heart.

I know that’s not God’s style – not His thing. He loves Will. He loves me. And we love Him. There is no question about any of that. But a mother in pain for her child says many things in the heat of the moment trying to make sense of what is to her a senseless situation.

A very wise friend (who is also a pastor) told me that it’s OK to be mad at God – if anyone can take it, He can. But (and you know there’s always a “but” with this sort of thing…) you just can’t let it consume you. Much like Ari Gold always says, you eventually gotta hug it out. In a manner of speaking.

Will’s sleeping it off now, sawing logs like he’s in the finals of the Lumberjack Games. (He inherited the Johnson sinus issues. As well as the Johnson wide feet. Lucky us.) And after some TLC from some dear friends who made me giggle, some counsel from a loving pal and some quiet time with God, I think I’ve regained some equilibrium.

Not sure why this episode affected me so deeply.

Maybe it’s because it hit Will so hard.

Maybe it’s because my feelings of helplessness simply reached their tolerance point.

Maybe it’s just because.

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you