Once more, with waaaay too much feeling

It's a tough place to be right now. My world.

Something is up with Will and we can't seem to get a handle on it. Increased seizure activity. Like really increased. At least the damn things aren't of the tonic clonic/grand mal variety. Short, zone-out, petite mals are the episode du jour. And there are a hell of a lot of them. A lingering ear infection is hanging around as well.

My poor, sweet, brave boy.

Couple that with some insensitive comments by unthinking people and you have a tense, very emotional situation.

As Will goes, so do I. I'm not in a particularly good place at the moment. Such is the life of a mama with a kiddo who has serious, chronic health issues. I can't even seem to take proper care of myself -- never a good thing. But my priorities, my focus, my heart -- all with my child. Can't help it. How I'm wired.

I realize I sound like a one-note songstress these days -- but this is consuming my world. These infrequent blog posts are a catharsis of sorts for me. Need to get this angst out somehow. Not going to apologize for it either. Nor am I going to apologize for my parenting skills -- yeah, even those have come under some criticism recently. From people who technically should know better.

Bite me. When you have a child like Will, then you can perhaps offer advice. Until then, shut it.

I'm doing the best that I can.

As I watch him sleep after yet another "carpe diem" (the second in less than 18 hours) I try desperately not to cry. Mothers are supposed to protect their children from the bad things. The hurts. The monsters under the bed. But I can't protect Will from this affliction he's had since birth. It's tearing me up inside. Damn control issues.

A very dear friend refers me often to Psalm 46... "Be still and know that I am God." I know in my heart and spirit this is the best advice, but I struggle with it, as it's hard for me to slow down and hush up long enough. He is watching over Will. I must rest in that. Easy to say, not always as easy to do. But I'm trying.

Meanwhile, we forge along. More questions than answers. Such is the fabric of our life.


Tara R. said...

Our sons have different issues, but I do understand your feelings of frustration and often helplessness. We do what we can, as best as we can, and the others can just shut the hell up.

AsKatKnits said...

Wise words that a boss shared with me once... opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.

Words that I think of whenever someone shares their unwanted thoughts with me.

Being a mother is not for the faint of heart, as you well know.

Sending you hugs and prayers!

bronsont said...

One note songstress Pffffft! We all know you play notes in order of their importance and you have your priorities straight.

Prayers and Hugs for both Will and you.