Thursday Thirteen: The Sequel of the Sequel

Thirteen "Interesting" Things I Have Seen, Done or Experienced Lately

1. The “unmentionables” featured in this week’s installment of Wordless Wednesday. Still not quite over that one. Ew.

2. A refreshingly honest panhandler – his sign said “Why lie – I’m gonna buy beer.” I threw him a couple of bucks just because. Don’t judge me.

3. A dude, riding a vintage motorcycle with a sidecar. And when I say “vintage” I mean there was a little plaque on the sidecar that said “Der Führer rode here.” Playing the role of passenger was a doggie (looked like a lab mix) wearing goggles. Just hanging out. Awesome.

4. The parade of pajama-wearing adults in the morning car line at Will’s school continues. And to think I was worried about my unruly non-conditioned hair causing a scene this morning.

5. An albino hooker, wearing Payless Uggs, getting take-out from the walk-up window at Checkers. Not a tranny hooker, mind you. Just a standard issue one. Apparently everyone needs to take a lunch break now and then.

6. On The Price Is Right a couple of days ago, a dude with the EXACT same name as Mr. Love Letter was told to “ come on down.” Not the same guy, but I’d be lying if I said my blood didn’t run a little cold and my heart skip a beat. Weirdness abounds.

7. Will announced to me just yesterday that “Jane, you’re playing a game you never can win.” I never thought it possible, but perhaps there can be too much classic rock in one’s life. He also told his speech therapist that he “won’t back down.” Oy.

8. Ask not Whatever Happened to Baby Jane – she’s alive and well and shopping at my local grocery. Seriously. There’s a LOL (that stands for Little Old Lady in Janey-Vernacular) who has fashioned herself to look scarily similar to the title character in that gothic camp classic film.

9. This week in Trainwreck Telly: The Real Housewives of New York. It’s like crack – horrible, horrible for you, but I cannot look away. You simple cannot make stuff like this up.

10. A segment on The Wiggles this week featured the gang trying to determine who has the biggest feet.

I’ll just leave it at that.

11. I’ve become a celebrity stalker on Twitter – currently following M.C. Hammer, John Mayer, Gail Simmons, Tom Colicchio (mmmmm) and my favorite, Ashton Kutcher (he is smart and very, very funny – yes, I have a bit of a crush.) I really should be more ashamed of this than I am. Voyeur, thy name is Janey.

12. Current renewed Guilty Pleasure: I’m once again watching Guiding Light, after a two-year hiatus, give or take. Funny how it takes approximately two episodes before one can be completely caught up on happenings. And by the way, Reva is pregnant – post-menopausal pregnant and undergoing-chemotherapy pregnant. Only in Springfield.

13. New addiction: Mafia Wars on Facebook. Yes, I have no life. Damn thing has totally sucked me in. I’d tell you what my name is on there, but then I’d have to kill you – don’t need any more surprise attacks than I’m already getting.

Wordless Wednesday. Nothing more to say.

Public Intimacy

Note: taken on a sidewalk between Subway and Super Cuts. And no, there was no laundromat in the vicinity.

You may "ew" now.

Remembrance of Things Past

I remember when I found out about chemistry
It was a long, long way from here
I was old enough to want it but
younger than I wanted to be
Suddenly my mission was clear

So for a while I conducted experiments
And I was amazed by the things I learned
From a fine fine girl with nothing but good intentions and
A bad tendency to get burned

Ever feel like you've just seen a ghost? Turned a little pale, grown a pit in your stomach, honed your nerves to a sharp edge?

Yeah. Me too. Like right now.

That ghost I just saw... is me.

I was poking through a box of old memories -- epherma. Stuff. From my past. And I picked up an envelope amidst the photos and clippings. A familiar envelope.

The minute I saw it, I knew what it was. And my blood instantly ran cold.

It was a letter from an old lover. A long, long, long time ago lover.

The one who got under my skin. The one with whom I parted amidst tears and torment. The one I've never quite forgotten. Ever.

I'm totally thrown. Completely.

Poof. There's my past. My youth. My foibles. My heart. Slit and spread wide open.

I just made the same mistake I've made countless times before -- I opened the damn thing up. And the memories came flooding back, washing over my spirit like a summer storm full of thunder and lightning and kinetic energy. The torrents were painful in their piercing intensity as the drops rat-a-tat hit my tender skin. Yet refreshing in their coolness as they made their way to nourish the dry patches in my soul. As they always do.

So much has changed. So little has changed.

Fuck. How I hate that.

All about chemistry
Won't you show me everything you know
Ah wonder what you do to me
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh

We met cute. And the chemistry, as they say, was instantaneous and palpable. I was pursued, wooed, and yes, screwed. Fantastically. Intimately. Thoroughly.

He was brilliant -- talented with a quick wit and an even quicker tongue. I was the Bright Young Thing with a flirty nature and curious mind. He called me precocious. I reveled in that.

I've always been attracted to creative types -- I love their passion, their quirkiness and their intelligence. It energizes me somehow. It's not unusual for such characteristics to come packaged with other more challenging traits -- things like melancholy, mercurialness, tempestuousness. And those particulars were, more often than not, the Achilles heel of a relationship for me.

Some time later I met a young graduate
When I had nobody to call my own
I told her I was looking for somebody to appreciate
And I just couldn't do it alone

So for a while we conducted experiments
In an apartment by the River Road
And we found out that the two things we put together
had a bad tendency to explode

I've been in love -- really in love -- four times in my life. This was one of those times.

No one has ever loved me quite like he did. No one has ever hurt me as badly as he did.

All part of the experience. Came with the territory.

He knew me. Not just the superficial side of me that I chose to show to the world, to acquaintances and friends alike. The deepest part of me. What made me tick. What made me laugh. What fueled me.

With a glance, a touch, a whisper -- we were connected. I'm flushed now, just at the very thought of him.

When it was good, it was completely transcendent.

When it was bad, it was utterly debilitating.

All about chemistry
Won't you show me everything you've learned
I'll memorize everything you do to me so I can
Teach it when it comes my turn

It didn't last long, this bolus dose of overwhelming emotion nestled in the core of a relationship. It was too intense to do anything but to burn hot and flame out. It dissipated in a blaze of glory... fiery shards, angry words, misunderstandings and the inevitable collateral damage. Time and distance and temperament were the weapons of mass destruction. Not surprisingly, we made discord as passionately as we made love.

I was left wounded and weeping and weary. But wiser.

As we parted, finally, he sent me a letter. Pointed yet tender. Moody. With sentiments no one had ever shared with me before. Things never shared since, either. It's both a treasure and a curse. And yet I still keep it, buried away, with no X marking the spot. But I know it's there.

This man was different than anyone else I've ever been involved with. Maybe that's why there's residue from our time together still on my soul. His voice still deep inside my head. His fingerprints still on my heart.

I'd be lying if I said that even after all this time, I didn't miss him. Because I do. Sometimes I have flashes of memories that overwhelm me -- so much that I have to stop and sob them out.

But it was a long time ago. And I was young. Impetuous. I've changed so much since then -- but honestly I wouldn't be the person I am today without having had this man in my life. And while I am at peace and at home with my fate the way it played out, I wonder what might have been... if...


Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew
Even now


This one's for you...

Learning to Exhale

Relax and let your mind roll on
Over all your problems
Relax and let your mind roll on
Over all your problems...
~ The Who

It's not as easy as you'd think. This relaxation thing. Letting go and exhaling without inhaling any angst. Breathing out with content.

Tried it over this past weekend. Succeeded moderately. Albeit temporarily.

Kinda groovy. Being relaxed.

Not turning on the telly (save for a middle-of-the-night awake moment in which I watched "Meet the Paynes" on TBS -- I was hoping to catch Madea, as it was a Tyler Perry weekend, but no such luck) helped. As did not having internet access. Amazing how things in my mental area started to unwind without any of my usual addictive stimuli.

There's an art to relaxing properly. Not sure if I've mastered it. Rumor has it that turning one's mind off, so to speak, is an important component. I swear I was born both talking and thinking and haven't stopped since -- so the concept of turning the mind off is not only foreign to me, but nearly impossible. But I tried. No mooning or fretting or stewing about anything. And it worked for a little while. As did some serious time swaying in a hammock. That will totally cure what ails you.

Not sure I'm going to be able to accomplish this relaxation thing now that I'm back in the swing of everyday stress and responsibilities. But the perspective gained and the residue remaining will hopefully serve as gateways to a calmer, less frantic me.

At least for the rest of the week.

Maybe.

Bump Bump Bump -- it's a Thursday Thunk

Courtesy of Thursday Thunks!

1. What brand & flavor of toothpaste do you use?
Colgate Total. Dentist endorsed. Grew up with Crest. Always wanted to use Close Up, since it seemed like the “cool” toothpaste. So now, as an adult, I’m a Colgate user.

And that is undoubtedly more than you ever wanted to know about me and my dental hygene.

2. What is your earliest memory?
Being lifted up by my dad to look at the Thanksgiving turkey roasting in the oven – I was four. This speaks volumes – all about the food from the very beginning.

3. Hot Dogs or Hamburgers?
Love them both. Hot dogs are better at sporting events; burgers are good, well, anytime. If cooked to my specifications (rare – yeah, I know.)

4. If you could bring any one famous person back to life, who would it be?
JFK. So much unmet potential.

5. What is one thing we would always find in your fridge... what one thing would we never find?
Always: water. Drink it by the gallon
Never: tofu. Just can’t do it.

6. Did you have to go and look for the answer of #1?
Heck no. So there.

7. Why don't watermelons grow on trees?
Only Mother Nature knows for sure…

8. What is something that you own that you should probably just throw in the trash, but you never will?
I have a pair of maternity shorts – black sweat suit material – that are SO soft and comfy and roomy and ugly as sin. But they’re part of my “confort clothes.” NEVER wear them outside the house (not even to the trash can), just so you know.

9. I push you into a room and lock the door. I leave you there for 6 hours. The walls are chalkboards and in the middle of the room there is a box of colored chalk. What will be written/drawn on the walls when I let you out?
First of all -- SO rude to push anyone into a room. Someone needs to work on their people skills.

Now, in answer to your question: really bad poetry; really bad drawings; and/or a chapter in my novel.

10. When was the last time you changed the oil on your car?
If you is the operative word in this equation, then the answer is never.

11. In your extended family, who has been married the longest?
My parents – 47 years in June.

12. Name one thing that is so normal to you now that someone who was your age 50 years ago would think was abnormal.
The internet. Sometimes I’m still a little in awe over how interconnected the world is now

13. Have you ever wanted someone or something so bad that it hurt?
Yep.

14. What do you dip your French fries in?
Ketchup, unless there’s mayo about – then a ketchup/mayo sauce combo.

15. What was the last picture that you took?
A big ass turtle I encountered during my workout yesterday – he was doing his thing, looking for food, being cool.

Flight of the Snowbird

From Urban Dictionary:
1. Irritating old people who come down to Florida from Northern states, drive like maniacs, and should be illegal.
2. Disgusting old people from northern states who wear Speedos on our beaches. God help us all.

They’re here. No, not the poltergeists. But close. Really close.

The Snowbirds.

The more polite term is “seasonal resident,” but we locals just like to call them by the Snowbird moniker. They’re folks, usually of ages upwards of 65 years, who leave their homes “up north” and take up residence in the warm, sunny climes of Florida (as well as Arizona) during the months of winter when it’s colder than a witch’s tit in a steel brassiere in the place listed as the primary residence on their Social Security information.

They’ve been migrating down Florida way since before the holidays (our next door neighbors, Snowbirds from Chicago arrive right after Thanksgiving each year) but I really noticed the whole influx today while working out at my regular park. The parking lot was full – but the only cars with local plates were that of my trainer and me. Every other car was from out-of-state or out of the country. Most of the Canadian provinces were represented today. Honestly, I don’t think there’s anyone left in Canada under the age of 70. They’re all here. Driving around. Verrrrrry slowly. And slightly self-absorbed. – there’s a blissful unawareness of the rest of the cars on the road on the part of the motoring Snowbirds. Which means the rest of us need to be on our proverbial toes. Yikers.

Based on what I’ve observed over the years on my roads, it’s a bloody miracle these people make it down here in one piece, given how they drive. Many moons ago, I had occasion to take the Auto Train from Orlando to right outside of D.C. for the Thanksgiving holidays. The trip up – uneventful and not crowded. The trip back – sheer chaos. Apparently ye olde Auto Train is the preferred method of transportation for the ye olde Snowbirds of the Eastern Seaboard. Getting off that train in one’s vehicle was akin to being in a demolition derby – Lincolns and Caddys and Chryslers (oh my!) barreled down the ramp of the car car at an alarming rate, headed towards balmy breezes and early bird specials.

Once upon a time, I worked for the county school system, with my office being in the main administration building – 20 miles away. There was not a real easy or direct route to get there, so I would take a variety of main thoroughfares, usually at a brisk pace, given my propensity to leave my house at the very last possible moment. And in the middle of rush hour traffic, I would encounter at least one Snowbird driver, either on their way from breakfast or headed to a doctor’s appointment. I considered writing my congressperson, asking for legislation banning people with no specific purpose from being on the roads during rush hour, but that just screamed “ridiculous” and “ACLU shuttlecock,” so I opted not to do so.

But I still think it made great sense.

So for the next few weeks, it will be a Snowbird world – on the roads, at Denny’s and Village Inn (favorite Snowbird dining establishments), in the grocery and apparently, at my workout park. I just need to remember to give myself a little more time to get where I’m going, keep a careful eye on the roads and the cars around me. And make sure my insurance is up-to-date. Just in case.

Random Randomness on a Meme Monday

Have you ever been on TV?

Yep –- a handful of times. Did some interviews on local public affairs shows and maybe one or two more things that escape my mind right now.

Have you ever sung in public?

Affirmative – both in groups (choirs and ensembles) and as a solo artiste (plays and variety shows)… but that was many moons ago in lands far far away. Although if given the opportunity…

Have you ever dyed your hair blond?
My hair has been many shades over the years – but never, ever ever anything close to blond.

Have you ever eaten frogs' legs?
Not that I know of.

Have you ever received a present that you really hated?

The cat stove burner covers that my MIL gave me for Christmas one year fall into this category.

You have NO idea.

Have you ever walked into a lamp post?

I’m not the most graceful being ever put on this earth, but I don’t believe I’ve ever gotten that up close and personal with a lamp post.

Have you ever cooked a meal by yourself for more than 15 people?

I have. Lasagna and all the appropriate accoutrements. Went over pretty well, if I remember correctly.

Have you ever fallen or stumbled in front of others?
Oh heavens, yes. You don’t have time for me to regale you with all the tales of my public klutziness.

Have you ever done volunteer work?

Have we just met? I’m passionate about volunteering and giving of one’s time and talent to better one’s community. BIG thing with me.

When is the last time you had a papercut?
Last week. Craft time with the Choir Urchins can be surprisingly dangerous.

What was the best part of your weekend?
Swinging in the park with Will.

Do you like peanut butter?
You betcha.

List three foods you can’t stand.
Coconut. Shrimp. Oysters.

Did you make your bed this morning?
Are you joking?

When it comes to handshakes, are you firm?
Firm and friendly.

What was the most effective punishment for you as a kid? 

Spanking. Ouch. Actually – grounding was a close, close second.

What is your favorite way to fix/eat potatoes?
Tie between roasted in olive oil until the outside is crisp and brown and the inside delightfully fluffy or baked with a crisp, salted skin.

Keep your sneeze to yourself, pleeze

Like everybody else, when I don't know what else to do, I seem to go in for catching colds.
~ George Jean Nathan

What I mistakenly thought was a bit of a hangover (shhhh...) this morning... has turned out to be a cold (uggggggh). With a cough, stuffy nose, sinus pressure and that most fun of all symptoms -- a fever.

If you consider my new clean-clean-clean eating habits and couple them with an evening of drinking Agave Honey Margaritas made with top shelf tequila, a bit of a hangover would be the logical explanation for my headache and sluggishness. However, the germ's the thing. Not even the hair of the dog can help this situation.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
~ Ogden Nash

Silly me -- here I thought I had done my cold penance for the year, having had a yucky one right after the first of the year.

Guess not. Although I cannot figure out where this blasted thing came from. However, given the amount of time I spend with kiddos both at school and church, I have a pretty good idea (especially since one of the Choir Urchins sported a faucet-running nose on Wednesday...)

I'll never be able to finger the real culpret -- but I'm cursing those transient germs as I write this.

Ah-Ah-Ah CHOO!

Sorry. Off to find a tissue.

Be well, y'all. And I mean that literally.

Keep your sneeze to yourself
Don't share your germs with anyone else
Grab a tissue off the shelf
And keep your sneeze to yourself.
~ Barney the Big Ass Purple Dinosaur

My Heart

Love is hugging. Love is kissing. 

Love is saying no sometimes.

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

My mommy loves me more than anybody. 

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.

There are two kinds of love - our love and God's love. 

But God makes both kinds of them. 

Love is important to God.

You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. 

But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. 

People forget, and it's good for them to get reminded.

*Quotes taken from Funny Love Quotes by Kids

More relative than this—the play's the thing…

It’s no secret that I love Shakespeare – to read, to watch, to ponder. You can take the girl out of college, but you can’t take the English major out of the girl.

But once upon a time (exactly 29 years ago, now that I think about it), in a land not so far away (actually about a mile from where I am at the moment), I had opportunity to give the words of the Bard some life on stage. Might not be a big deal to some, but as a wide-eyed high school sophomore who was a drama queen in every sense of the phrase, this was huge.

We were having a mini-Shakespeare festival, co-produced by the English and Drama Department (note that I use the term Drama “Department” loosely, since it basically consisted of one staff member who directed the spring musical and any one-off dramatic activities – no classes or anything formal… one of my great regrets about my high school). Each English class was studying a Shakespearean play at the time and the Festival was a tie-in event, featuring scenes from each of the plays being read.

Being low-woman on the greasepaint totem pole (after all, I was a mere sophomore), I didn’t have a huge part… played the delightfully named Mistress Quickly in a scene from Henry IV, Pt. One involving Prince Hal and that rascal Falstaff. The cast all wore t-shirts with a picture of Will S. on the front and our character name on the back. Yeah, I got a lot of wear out of my Mistress Quickly shirt after the performance. rolls eyes

However, the real highlight for me was getting to recite and interpret a sonnet… Number CXVI. Still remember every word to this day. As I studied the words and rehearsed their delivery, something inside me germinated – and my love and affection for the nuances of literature was born. Kinda cool to think about this now, as I sit in a room overflowing with books and books about books.

Sonnet CXVI is a perfect work to celebrate and share on this Valentine’s Eve… and I’ll have you know that save for the accent mark on “fixed” and a check to see where the verse are supposed to break (I may be passionate, but I am admittedly lazy. Counting out iambic pentameter this afternoon didn’t thrill me…) this bad boy was typed from memory.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 

Admit impediments; love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.


If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

And don’t worry – this is just here for sheer enjoyment. No essay on your interpretation is required… 

I know you are but what am I...

Ah, the insult.

A good one can make you chuckle as you wince from the blow of the barb.

A bad one can either make you cry at its brutality or shrug at its banality.

My dad forwarded an e-mail to me sent to him from one of his curmudgeon buddies, featuring some sparkling examples of the mighty tongue wielded in witty weaponry.

Thought I'd share. Enjoy.


1) “He had delusions of adequacy.” ~ Walter Kerr

2) “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” ~ Winston Churchill

3) “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”~ Clarence Darrow

4) “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” ~ William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

5) “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” ~ Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

6) “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” ~ Moses Hadas

7) “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” ~ Oscar Wilde

8) “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” ~ Stephen Bishop

9) “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” ~ Paul Keating

10) “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” ~ Robert Redford

11) “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” ~ Oscar Wilde



12) “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” ~ Billy Wilder



13) “I have the gift of the gab.” ~ Tom S.
“Wrap it up then.” ~ Dave B

Actions speak louder than well, you know : Wordless Wednesday

Dis. Dat. And de Uddder.

Last night’s Dream Report:

I was on a posh tour bus in Hilton Head, SC and was being wooed heavily by both Bob Crane (aka Col. Hogan) and Alec Baldwin.

In case you were wondering – Alec won. Rowr. Like there was ever a question. I love him. But you knew that already.

Underlying meaning: I watch waaaay too much classic telly.


~~~~~~~~~~


Seen on the way to take Will to school today: two trannie hookers nursing some Starbucks. Apparently everyone needs a little caffeine to get the day started.

Gotta put the zip in the doo-dah, so to speak.


~~~~~~~~~~


Seen while walking Will in to school today: a mom wearing a leopard print caftan (from the Totie Fields collection, no doubt) and fur bedroom slippers.

Never again will I worry about wearing my workout clothes when doing the drop-off.

SO boring in comparison.


~~~~~~~~~~

Seen on the way to pick up Will from school today: A man, riding a bike – coaster breaks, little basket on front. One more thing – he was also using a big white/red-tipped cane. Blind guy on bike. Doing well, I might add. Roll on, my friend.

~~~~~~~~~~

My front yard has become a danger zone. There is a SNAKE in residence at the moment. I’m told it’s a little “harmless” black racer. Pffffft. He is snake so he is evil in my book. ‘Bout passed out on my front stoop yesterday when I walked out the front door and there he was. I’m also told that he was probably as scared of me as I was of him. Doubtful.

From now on, ventures into the yard will involve shoes and a wary eye.

Back off Snake (whom I’ve named Oswald) – I’m on to you.

~~~~~~~~~~

Celebrity Crush of the Week: Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser. Rowrrrrrrrr again.

Have you seen those abs?

Yes, I realize he wore sparkly spandex pants a couple of shows ago. Have you seen those abs?

Yes, I know that this is one of my more ridiculous crushes – ranks right up there with James Carville. But have you seen those abs?

And by that I mean Bob’s abs, not Carville’s.

Lord, can you imagine?

Someone's in the Kitchen with Me on Meme Monday!

Here's something a little different... a meme all about my inner Domestic Goddess!

What is your first memory of baking/cooking on your own?
I was eight years old. Armed with my brand new Betty Crocker Boys & Girls Cookbook purchased with my own money from Haslems’ Book Store, I announced one day that I would like to make dinner for the family. The menu was Jell-O, macaroni and cheese and for dessert, a cake from the Easy Bake Oven Santa had brought the Christmas before. From what I remember, I did most of the cooking myself – Daddy helped with the macaroni prep (back in those days, macaroni was just that – no fancy terms like ‘pasta’ were thrown around), but other than that, it was all me. Even set the table too – even at that age, I knew my way around a place setting. And a passion was born.

Who had the most influence on your cooking?
I had two serious influences – first and foremost, there’s my paternal grandmother – Mama J. Even though we didn’t see a lot of each other when I was a wee lass, we definitely had a bond, the strongest thread of which was cooking. I still have a number of her cookbooks, with inscriptions and notes all throughout in her handwriting. Treasures.

Secondly, there’s Julia Child. No joke. I spent many a Saturday afternoon sitting in my bean bag chair on the floor of the bedroom, watching her “The French Chef” show in glorious black and white on our PBS station. My first grown-up cookbook was the companion to this series – and I still cook out of it often. Her technique was fascinating – but it was her sheer joy of the craft that made the biggest impression on me. Even to this day.

Do you have an old photo as "evidence" of an early exposure to the culinary world and would you like to share it?
Somewhere, in the iPhotos file on my other computer that I can’t access at the moment (don’t ask) I do indeed. But in lieu of that, I offer a photo of me, circa 1982 or ’83, in my childhood kitchen. And yes, that’s a bottle of tonic water I’m opening – the bottle of vodka was just out of camera range.

Mageiricophobia - do you suffer from any cooking phobia, a dish that makes your palms sweat?
Pie crust from scratch. Can’t do it. No matter how hard I try. I think I have a mental block about this particular item, as I have friends who are much less accomplished cooks than I (yeah, I know that sounds uppity, but if the apron fits…) who can make a great crust. Maybe someday…

What would be your most valued or used kitchen gadgets and/or what was the biggest letdown?
Most valued: My santoku knife. The Cuisinart. The Kitchen-Aid mixer. And my first Le Cruset dutch oven.
Biggest letdown: any garlic prep gadget other than a mincer – all a big waste of coin and time. Pfffft.

Name some funny or weird food combinations/dishes you really like - and probably no one else!
One of my favorite salads: cottage cheese, cantaloupe, grapes and bananas, poppy seed salad dressing and raisin bran.
Shut up. It’s delish.

What are the three eatables or dishes you simply don't want to live without?
High quality parmesan-reggiano; high quality balsamic vinegar; milk (I LOVE milk and drink at least a gallon of skim a week.)

Three quickies:
Your favorite ice-cream...
Pistachio, pralines and cream, cinnamon, Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby

You will probably never eat...
Sweetbreads

Your own signature dish...
Chicken Florentine Lasagna; French Onion Soup: BBQ and all the fixins; Brasato al Barolo

Time Waster

MAP OF STATES I'VE VISITED

create your own personalized map of the USA

Can you say Daughter of the South? Wow.
~~~~~~~~~~
ARE YOU A GEEK?
This one was fun -- big old long test. Worth taking fer shure.

My results:
10.0591% = Geekish Tendencies

Not sure I'm geeky enough to catch Sheldon's eye -- but my heart belongs to Howard anyway. So that's OK.

TAKE THE TEST!
~~~~~~~~~~
AGE GAUGES

TV Shows
I was...
1 years old at the time the first Star Trek episode was televised
6 years old when All in the Family was first shown
7 years old at the time the TV series M*A*S*H began
11 years old when Saturday Night Live first aired
13 years old when CBS introduced Dallas
16 years old during the first airing of Hill Street Blues
18 years old at the time the first Cheers episode was televised
22 years old when L.A. Law was first aired on TV
22 years old at the time the series Married with Children began
25 years old when Seinfeld was first televised
26 years old in the month Home Improvement began
29 years old at the time the TV series Friends began
31 years old when Everybody Loves Raymond first aired

World Events
I was...
36 years old at the time of the 9-11 attack on America
35 years old on the first day of Y2K
32 years old when Princess Diana was killed in a car crash
30 years old at the time of Oklahoma City bombing
29 years old when O. J. Simpson was charged with murder
28 years old at the time of the 93 bombing of the World Trade Center
26 years old when Operation Desert Storm began
25 years old during the fall of the Berlin Wall
21 years old when the space shuttle Challenger exploded
19 years old when Apple introduced the Macintosh
18 years old during Sally Ride's travel in space
16 years old when Pres. Reagan was shot by John Hinckley, Jr.
15 years old at the time the Iran hostage crisis began
11 years old on the U.S.'s bicentennial Fourth of July
9 years old when President Nixon left office
7 years old when Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot
4 years old at the time the first man stepped on the moon
3 years old when Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated
not yet 1 year old during the Watts riot
34 years old when Who Wants To Be A Millionaire began in the US

~~~~~~~~~~
Last but not least -- a couple of name generator thingys.

Cyborg Name Generator

Get Your Cyborg Name

Sexy Name Generator

Get Your Sexy Name

Miss Janey's Neighborhood

Abner Kravitz: Gladys, you were born a hundred years too late.
Gladys Kravitz: What do you mean by that?
Abner Kravitz: You'd have made a great town crier.

Today is the kind of day where one just wants to be outside. A vast cloudless sky – an ombré sort of blue in color. Air temp – just right. Air scent – just right. Crisply warm but with the faintest spring undertone. I am facing west, though, so this “warm” thing might just be directional.

I decided to take advantage of this ah-mah-zing-ness and drag my hacking, still-slightly-cold-laden self out to my back porch for some natural inspiration. There are pros and cons to this… the biggest con is that the computer screen, illuminated in glorious sunlight, acts like a mirror.

One word: ugh.

Pay no attention to the broad in the monitor.

It’s nice to be able to take time to slow down and soak in my neighborhood from this vantage point, weird as it may be. The neighborhood, that is.

I knew the ‘hood out my front door was interesting… yours would be too if you had an alleged drug-dealing merchant marine living across the street. Picture Chris Robinson of Black Crowes fame, only slightly shorter and more seedy. I think he’s off on a “mission” right now, since the Neighbors Who Don’t Speak To Me For No Apparent Reason are parking their cars in his driveway and the sounds of his chrome-loaded chopper haven’t resonated through the neighborhood in a while.

And speaking of the NWHSTOFNAP – I have no idea why I get the cold shoulder from the lady of the house whenever we’re outside at the same time. I used to say hello, but after enough non-responses to be embarrassing, I just merely smile and nod now. What-ever. Maybe she doesn’t like the kind of car I drive. Or my politics.

They were the first (and one of two, actually) people to put a McCain/Palin sign in their yard. And the American flag that waves from the giant flagpole every day was conspicuously absent on January 20th. Yeah, I looked.

I suspect that the Obama euro circle sticker that has been on my car for over a year now might have something to do with all this. But I will likely never know. The husband is more social – he will at least make small talk, and their dogs are adorable. It’s too bad.

Anyhoo.

I have discovered that the alley (unpaved pot-hole haven that it is – yay city services!) is its own little bargain-basement Sesame Street of activity… helmed by my two-doors-down neighbor Lois.

True confession: whenever – and I do mean whenever – I see her, I always mutter her name under my breath in the style of Stewie Griffin.

“Looois.” I might toss in a “you and your estrogenical treachery” for good measure, if I’m feeling particularly saucy. Stupid, I know. But it makes me laugh. So there you are.

Lois patrols the alley like Schultz patrolled Stalag 13 – only she’s slightly more on the ball. She’s big pals with the snowbirds that are in residence in their house directly to our west – lots of back door fun there. They’re very nice people – but damn, do they fight a lot. And loudly. He’s fond of wife-beater t-shirt and older gentlemen-style action slack denim pants. She walks everywhere, as she doesn’t know how to drive. They’re from Chicago and I suppose she simply never had the need to get a license.

Lois never met a situation she didn’t want to know more about. I was cleaning out the garage a couple of years ago and had propped up an old, split and dinged-up head/footboard set against the fence. After cursory pleasantries, she inquired as to the status of said pieces. Before the words “Goodwill” were barely passed my lips, she was dragging Abner down the alley to help her carry them back to her house with a “thank you!” echoing against the dust clouds in her wake. She actually saved me from having to load them up and haul them away – but still. You know? I find I’m often rendered speechless and helpless in the face of such chutzpah, simply because I’m in awe or shock or something.

Anyhoo again.

I spied a new character today whilst communing with suburban Mother Nature. Not sure if said person is a he or she, to be honest. Older with a remarkable resemblance to Burgess Meredith wearing a Gilligan hat. Armed with a large plastic bag and this thing. I had no idea that people actually bought these things -- who knew?

Burgess Meredith/Meredith Burgess was taking an alley stroll and poaching oranges and grapefruit from the trees in people’s yards. Snatching them off trees and putting them into the plastic bag. Watched him/her do it to my across-the-alley neighbor’s tangelo tree. Am sure the grapefruit trees down the way were hit as well.

Why does this not surprise me. It’s times like this when I wish I had more finely-honed paparazzi skills.

And as the sun sets and the crispness in the air gets more pronounced, the smell of charcoal and sizzle drifts in. The sounds of children’s laughter (including that of my own Kiddo) ring in the air. Burgess Meredith/Meredith Burgess is probably enjoying some ill-gotten juice. And Lois – well, to be honest, I don’t even what to venture a guess what she’s up to.

Just another day in paradise, y’all.

Strong. Invincible. Woman.

Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.
~ Anonymous

Hello! My name is Janey (Hi Janey!)

I am Woman. Hear me roar.

Pardon my effusiveness – it’s just the endorphins talking.

I have hit a stride – an amazing one – with my workouts with The Trainer. And I feel fan-frickin-tastic.

I’m doing things I either never imagined I’d do… or, more importantly, wasn’t ready, physically and mentally, to do even a couple of weeks ago.

It’s the mental part that’s got me in a dither. Although the physical stuff’s not far behind.

My body is getting more and more capable of doing things that it’s never done before (or in a very, very, very long while.)

And my mind believes it. Fear and doubt are fading away.

Wow.

This whole healthy living process is fascinating to me – someone who spends an extraordinary (and often detrimental) amount of time in her own head.

It requires a package deal – body, mind and spirit – in order to achieve any level of success.

I feel like doing a Rogers and Hammerstein-scored spin around the block, singing “I have confidence” at the top of my lungs in glorious Theatre Diva style. However, my voice is still down in the depths and I suspect the gist and intent would be lost in the huskiness of my dulcet tones. Plus my neighbors just wouldn’t appreciate it. Y’all would – right?


In the past week, I’ve tried walking lunges (OUCH – feeling those today) and plyometrics and Pilates moves and my favorites – carrying my trainer piggy-back style for a bit. That’s right. Boo-yah.

I carried a person on my back and it didn’t phase me. How damn crazy is that?

Wow.

I’m stronger. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Energy level is up. Sharpness is up.

It’s all good.

I know the ebb and flow is part of this process – I’m on the ebb (or is it the flow – whichever is at the peak. Apex. Crest. You’d think I’d learn to research my colorful language references better… maybe it’s time for an assistant...) at the moment. And there are going to be days when I will be discouraged or upset. It’s days like today that I’m going to conjure up to remind me that regardless of the speed bump, I’m moving forward.

In a manner too big to ignore.

Rowr.

Come on and roar along with me... trust me. You'll like it.

Silence! Wordless Wednesday in session.

Coordination

It's got a good beat and you can dance to it... Tuesday Tunes

Alert the media -- it's Tuesday Tunes time again!

Here's a little musical association for your amusement…

TV: “Sleeping with the Television On” ~ Billy Joel
(off the underrated -- and my favorite BJ album -- "Glass Houses)


Entertainment: “That’s Entertaiment” ~ from "The Band Wagon"


Drive: “Driver 8” ~ R.E.M.


Dark: “Ain’t No Sunshine” ~ Bill Withers


Job: “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” ~ The Offspring


Cat: “Cat Scratch Fever” ~ Ted Nugent


Silence: “The Sound of Silence” ~ Simon and Garfunkel


Noise: “Bring the Noise” ~ Public Enemy & Anthrax


Creep: “Jeepers Creepers” ~ Louis Armstrong


Rose: “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” ~ Ethel Merman
(from the musical “Gypsy”, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim)

Twist and Shout! It's Meme Monday!

The Bucket List!
(special thanks to my friend Miss Gay for sharing this on Facebook -- MWAH!

Place an (x) by all the things you've done!

(X) Been on a cruise

(X) Gone on a blind date

(X) Skipped school

() Watched someone die

() Been to Europe

(X) Been to Canada

( ) Been to Africa

(X) Been to Mexico

(X) Been to Florida

( ) Been to South America (I want to visit South American so badly I can taste it…)

(X) Been on a plane

(X ) been to New Orleans

(X) Been lost

(X) Been on the opposite side of the country

(X) Been to Washington, DC

(X) Been to Vegas

() Climbed a lighthouse

(X) Swam in the ocean

(X) Cried yourself to sleep (If I had a quarter every time I did this, I'd be a wealthy chica)

( ) Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington , D.C.

() Played cops and robber (SUCH the pacifist…)

() Been to Hawaii

() Flown a plane

( ) Owned a boat

( ) Watched grandchildren grow

(X) Recently colored with crayons

( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby

(X) Been to Key West (just once, on a cruise… can you believe it? I'm a weird native Floridian.)

(X) Been to a rodeo

(X) Sang Karaoke

(X) Paid for a meal with coins only?

(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? (Oh yeah… heh heh heh.)

(X) Made prank phone calls

(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue (I was drunk when I did this, in case you were wondering)

(X) Danced in the rain (did that just today!)

(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus

(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe

(X) Watched the sunrise with someone

(X) Seen the green flash at sunset

(X) Blown bubbles

() Gone ice-skating

(X) Gone to the movies

() Seen a complete double rainbow?

() Owned a convertible.

(X) Been on TV

() Ridden a motorcycle

(X) Been on a mountain higher than 15,000 ft.

(X) Been in a car accident.

(X) Stolen a traffic sign.

(X) Skinny-dipped (What kind of Florida girl would I be if I hadn’t done this!)

(X) Participated in an organized protest

Sunday Spur: Cuatro

The prompt: Do you have re-occurring dreams? What are they about?

~~~~~~~~~~

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
~ Woody Allen

Let’s cut right to the chase: I have weird dreams. Really weird dreams.

Of course, now that I’m faced with the necessity to write about them, I cannot remember the details of many of the more interesting ones. A little performance anxiety, if you will.

Many of my more vivid dreams involve the famous, infamous or celebrated: Howard “Dr. Johnny Fever” Hesseman, me and a black marble bathroom; John Cleese, me and a road rally; Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Lindsay Lohan in a threesome wedding; Al Gore, me and the Oval Office.

I also have a penchant for subliminally conjuring up old boyfriends and loves, usually completely out of the blue. There is usually some salacious activity involved with these little delights… and we’re going to simply leave it at that. I don’t subconsciously kiss and stuff and tell, thank you very much.

These subconscious delights are, for better or for worse, usually one-offs. Drat.

However, I do have one recurring dream that pops up at least a couple of times a year. It usually makes an appearance when I’m overly stressed or anxious.

I’m back in college – at UF. Cute co-ed me. I’m doing poorly in a class and want to drop it before the semester cut-off date. Problem is – I can’t find the building on campus where I need to go to drop the class. And time is running out. I frantically run all over campus, from building to building, looking for the right place to go. Never, ever find it.

I usually wake up from these dreams in a right state. Anxious, heart racing, worked up. Panicked even. I do dream vividly.

It’s interesting to me that my stress manifests itself in this way – transferring to an event/situation that happened over 20 years ago. I’m sure Freud would have something to say about this. I myself can’t figure out the nuances of it. But I do know, after all these years, that whenever this dream pops up, it’s time for a little self-assessment and care, because something’s amiss with me.

If only those delightful lascivious and slightly naughty dreams popped up with as much regularity…